Why do "Assholes" Live Longer?
There’s this saying I’ve heard more than once in my life—“the good die young.” And on the flip side, we all seem to know someone who treats people poorly, does whatever they want, whenever they want, without a second thought for others—and somehow, they’re thriving. Living long, loud, and without apology. It can feel maddening, right?
So why does it seem like the selfish ones live longer while the kind ones burn out early?
I’ve been sitting with this question lately—not just from a place of frustration, but as someone who walks the line every day between giving and depletion, between holding space for others and needing someone to hold space for me. And I’ve come to this: It’s about desire. And it’s about energy.
The "Asshole" Archetype: Desire Without Guilt
Let’s break it down. The so-called “asshole” is typically someone who puts themselves first. They prioritize their needs. They ask for what they want, take up space, and rarely feel guilty about it. They don’t wait for permission to rest, say no, or chase after what brings them joy. And even if their behavior isn’t something we’d ever want to mirror, there’s something to learn here.
Because what they’re doing—consciously or unconsciously—is preserving energy. They are living in alignment with their own desire, even if it’s messy, loud, or inconsiderate. And biologically, energetically, that matters. When the body feels heard, when the heart’s longings are acknowledged—even in selfish ways—it tends to keep going. It fights to live.
The Good Ones: Service Without Boundaries
Now let’s look at the other side. The “good” ones. The helpers, the caregivers, the peacemakers. They love deeply. They serve fully. They often ignore the voice that says “I’m tired” or “I need something too,” because someone else’s needs feel louder or more important.
They give and give, until giving becomes our default. And when they finally need to receive, they don’t always know how—or they feel guilty even thinking about it. Over time, this creates depletion. Physical exhaustion. Mental burnout. Spiritual fatigue. They start to slowly slip into the background of our own lives, even as they’re front and center in everyone else’s.
The Middle Path: Learning From Both Sides
So what do we do? Become an “asshole”? No. But maybe we can learn from them. Maybe we stop shaming desire. Maybe we stop thinking that being “good” means being invisible or last on our own list. Maybe we start honoring the part of us that wants something, too.
In Ayurveda, there's a principle that speaks to this. Excess or deficiency—of food, of sleep, of action, of silence—creates imbalance. And imbalance leads to disease. So living well, and living long, isn’t about being good or bad—it’s about being aligned. Not too much. Not too little. Just… attuned.
When we tend to our own well-being, we aren’t being selfish. We are being sustainable. When we listen to our desires, we give our life energy a reason to stay. When we say no, we are saying yes to longevity. When we ask for help, we invite balance.
Final Thought
Maybe the secret isn’t about being “nice” or being “selfish.” Maybe it’s about being honest. Honest about what we need. Honest about what we’re carrying. Honest about the ways we’ve abandoned ourselves in the name of service.
Let’s stop glorifying burnout. Let’s stop confusing martyrdom with goodness. Let’s reclaim desire. Let’s prioritize self-care—not as a luxury, but as a life source.
Because when we do… we just might live a little longer. And a whole lot freer.
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Want to explore this more in your own life? Journal it:
Where have I been over-giving lately?
What desire have I been silencing?
What would it feel like to take care of me first, without guilt?
Let that be our medicine today.
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